Tuesday, August 25, 2009
8/23/2009
Dealt with humanity and intellectual property rights in cases of people becoming animals, human-like creatures, and brain transplants.
8/22/2009
Schoen's new favorite games were pretending to be a taxi and pretending to be a telemarketer.
8/8/2009
I was a leader on a church trip for little kids, but instead of being kids they were this breed of ostrich that loved to sing but couldn't do so very well.
7/29/2009
Schoen, Ben, and I were prisoners by day, superheroes by night. We'd take off from our cells and go dominate with our powers.
7/27/2009
Amy saw some book I had and decided we were getting married. I guess I didn't believe her because I didn't make the necessary preparations, but an hour before the wedding I started to scramble to shave, find a suit, and pick some groomsmen.
7/22/2009
I could remove a piece of my intestines and play with them, but once the food I'd eaten got to the missing part, it hurt my stomach.
7/12/2009
Kevin and I were in a big Michael Jackson tribute that featured crazy plant aliens and lightsabers. It was a big stage production and I had a bunch of lead parts!
7/10/2009
Transported a handful of corn up to the valley somewhere while getting yelled at for swearing while driving. The place ended up being a mansion owned by the Kardashians. There were two Kims, and one of them was into me. I was pushing her around in a shopping cart for fun.
I was Spider-Man and I went into a high rise to fight a guy kind of like the Hulk but not green and muscular, just huge. He was very strong. I tried to web him down, but I ran out. He could take all the damage I could dish. Eventually, I had to run away.
6/29/2009
I learned a song by ice skating in a race around the rink. A story was revealed by different scenes along the way.
6/28/2009
There was a party in my house and my bed was the front door. It opened by taking my sheet off. Unfortunately, I was naked. If I moved, though, the door, house, and everything's position relative to the world shifted. We couldn't figure out how to get people in to the party so they went home.
6/26/2009
Had a meeting with college group and Suburban Legends in an underground train. Homeless men spoke.
6/7/2009
Some guy wanted to be a punker just like one of my friends, so he started hanging around. Turned out he was a psycho and started trying to kill everyone and was semi-invincible. We shot him multiple times to no avail. Finally got rid of his invincibility, out of bullets, so I loaded my gun with batteries. We were ready to take him out. Just then, his brother showed up. He'd driven straight from New York non stop. Turns out it was all just a ploy to get him to come out. Smiles and laughs all around.
5/29/2009
Me and a bunch of other people were in Orange County with super slow motorcycles, trying to ride them back to the Guys' House. We kept losing limbs one at a time.
5/24/2009
Ryan had a device, about the size of a cell phone, that one laid on the ground, then a slightly smaller receiver unit as well, and it would tell the operator if the one who walked between them was their true love. I was not informed of my results.
5/14/2009
Ashley told me that Kobe Bryan was starting to dress as crazy as Marv Albert. I told her that's how men get on the same cycle, like women with their periods.
5/13/2009
I had to build both digital and physical signs for some band. I pissed off a short guy who then tried to shoot me.
5/11/2009
I made all kinds of connections of points all over town, laying something of a digital track to coast along. Once I finished preparing it, I was stopped from using it. Also, Jeremy had a plan to impregnate two girls he hated out of spite.
5/7/2009
I got a towel signed by some Yankee player for Bobby for his birthday, then I wrote "CHRIS GRAUE IN: REALIZE" on it.
5/4/2009
I competed in some crazy event at St. Andrew's that culminated in an ice skating race. I won. Pastor Mark was trying his hardest to get me to lead an ice skating class. I refused. For third place, Mike and a bunch of old ladies beat a team of seasoned pros in the ice skating race by line dancing it and shocking them.
4/29/2009
Kevin got arrested because of who his family is. From then on, Kevin was against the cops.
4/27/2009
Applied for some weird jobs then went outside to garden. Some woman was there gardening. Eventually, she freaks out not knowing who I am and it turns out my dad wanted me to produce a whole commercial for her that day by myself.
4/24/2009
For some reason, Kevin thought that eating toast sideways (so the corners pointed up and down) would freak me out. It didn't.
4/23/2009
There was a giant video display hosted by a shemale used to advertise a client. The client wasn't happy with this, so I went back in time to prevent it, but all my efforts merely ensured it happened.
4/22/2009
A girl liked me and I didn't want her to, so I hit on her friend to deter her. This both made the first girl like me more and the second one. I kept repeating this cycle and making it worse.
4/21/2009
Because of a series of events, people thought that Natalie was the Christ returned, but really she just broke her foot. Also, it didn't heal right. I argued that the Christ would probably at least be able to have his own bones heal right.
4/10/2009
I met the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She was a professional tennis player and I was in Israel watching her in a doubles match. She clearly liked me and I began to fall in love with her. Fortunately, I woke up before I was in too deep.
4/8/2009
I ended up at a Muslim Ancient Roman emergency prayer meeting for 9-11. It was held in neat orderly rows on a telephone wire.
4/5/2009
I was having a difficult time getting a picture of me riding a tricycle onto a website. I went to the Holocaust museum to have the picture taken.
3/31/2009
I went to a movie theater in the middle of nowhere on a trip with people. We were trying to find Kevin. We snuck in and hit the arcade. Some girl said "Can I borrow you, gorgeous?" to me and had us play a shooter co-op. Then I went across the street and had my car washed. Free with every car wash was a DVD copy of Evil Dead.
3/26/2009
Due to the recession, Riviera Elementary was getting rid of everything new. Flat panel TVs, computer equipment, etc. I was reinstalling floppy drives in the computers. Lyle was their head of IT.
3/22/2009
A Hannibal Lecter type character was going to practice dentistry on me and a friend while we ate baked potatoes made out of what were formerly our cars.
3/15/2009
A crab was eating the toads piece by piece. I was trying to get it out, and it slowly broke into a million pieces. An android with me got the crab out, but it caused a ton of parts of her to fall out of her face, but she was ok.
3/13/2009
Keighly broke up with her boyfriend, so to cheer her up, I told her I'd make out with her. And that further, making out was my artistic interpretation of sizzling hot breakfast sausage.
3/8/2009
At a children's camp for church, Jeff went a little nuts and I had to shoot him twice. Non lethal. Had to get him to the hospital and save him while keeping things going for the kids.
3/4/2009
I was a detective/spy and my friends enlisted me to figure out why their video game world had gone all dark and evil. People behaved like violent animals. I found that it only occurred around this lake, and once clear, it was fine. The video game world was like Warcraft, but totally immersive. I was actually there. The problem, it turned out, was that a race of fish people had become pissed at humans dumping waste in their lakes, so they sent up balloons full of poison that did this. We cleared away the balloons and saved it!
2/24/2009
Hooking up with me made you money on some Chicago index fund. Girls were trying to get in on it.
2/19/2009
A beautiful girl, who was a combination of all the girls I've lost touch with over time, wanted to leave her dull life of fancy parties and high society for me.
2/12/2009
Danny gave up on stuff easily. He also tried to make his gopher lose all its teeth and wasn't worried about anything past March of next year. He "knew something."
Schoen and I made movies where he'd lure a zombie, I'd lead us quickly through a cave system, and we'd go to some underground realm. Although there was nothing sexual in these movies, they were some kind of porn.
2/10/20009
Ben, Schoen, and I ended up being a part of a bus tour inadvertently. A little kid, who was my nephew, was driving the bus. I technically couldn't be there, so at one point I hung out in a slum with Maddox from the Best Page in the Universe. John Rhea jumped out of the bus while it was going full speed into a snowbank. Then the New York Giants missed a field goal in the desert and skeletons took the ball.
2/8/2009
Kept having to rescue some girl by getting her onto a boat. On boat, played Halo. Discovered lots of random secrets and scenes. Turned into a film festival of old TV and stuff. They'd call us out by group for the movies based on if we were the jock type there for Halo of the theatrical type. At one point, Halo had a scene that was like GTA meets West Side Story.
2/7/2009
Girls found out that Justin Kalama lived at my house and formed a mob trying to get at him. He wasn't home.
1/29/2009
Went to Lauren's parents' house, but sort of avoided her for the most part. Mostly hung around an indoor pool, taunting geese and discovering I could walk partway through screen doors.
1/26/2009
I was on a boat in Zelda Windwaker when God stopped me to pull up 4 treasures. The first came up with something I needed (can't remember). The second came with assurance and perseverance. The third was a reminder to obey God's law. Then I woke up so the fourth never happened.
1/24/2009
Went to a place where you had to dance to be allowed to watch TV. I got funky.
I was at a wedding that I had to take a real crazy road/raft trip to. Almost died many times. I'd forgotten dress shoes and had to buy some. I stopped by a clubhouse nearby and saw my friend Mike from Best Buy. We talked, but then he leaped into action, grabbing a gun out of a guy's hand. The crowd disarmed him, yelled at him for a while, then Mike stabbed him in the face. Apparently the rival gang was led by Jonathan from Pepperdine who "took the innocence of 3 girls an 1 man, all in the wrong hole."
1/22/2009
Went to a party the devil was throwing up near Xander's parents' house. Pretty fun, but had to be careful. On the way home, went to Riviera Elementary because the Smashing Pumpkins were playing a show there for the kids. The band appreciated that I was way into it. They played "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, I sang along.
1/17/2009
Corey and I were like Mr. Potato Heads, constantly swapping out parts to change our appearance because we were running away together. From what, I'm not sure.
I was trying to get a grant from Rolling Hills Prep, so I was putting on a Guitar Hero demonstration at a camp as a sign of good faith. It was in the Angeles National Forest which was just barely north of Downtown LA. It was way ghetto.
1/14/2009
A group of us would not leave Daniel's house. We just kept playing Dungeons and Dragons. Somehow, my fingers got all bloody on the dice.
1/6/2009
I was in a movie that had a scene where me and some women were nude in a shower together. She told me to say "passover" whenever it felt awkward as it broke the tension.
1/3/2009
Schoen and I went on a wacky adventure through time, guided by a book and a boat. We were tracking down mysteries about US Presidents. Hoover's mom had AIDS! I also gave Pastory Mark a box set of Friends DVDs that were self-updating. I don't know what that means.
12/31/2008
I was in the military. First my job was to drop a bomb from a plane. That failed, so I had to mount a gun to a boat mast. That failed, so we got on a bus. I think we gave up.
12/30/2008
I worked at Best Buy again. Lots of workers were in my area, so I went to another part of the store where Aaron was directing a choir. Then I quit because my old boss Matt wanted me to work a 5AM shift and didn't want to get a fun breakfast.
12/20/2008
Investors had a mini skateboard contest in the middle of the forest. Warren Buffet's was the best.
12/16/2008
Ben, Schoen, and tons of people came down to Riviera Elementary for the craziest, wildest, most techno-rave awesome film festival ever. The films were ok. One was of a snake sucking on its tail.
12/12/2008
Went and saw Chuck preach. He had a weird new hair style that showed he had tattoos on his head. One was of a Klingon. After his service was interrupted by kids chanting, he got back to it, but he was doing scenes with people in full Star Trek costumes.
12/6/2008
Snuck into Paramount or Dreamworks or some studio and sat with the executives. Just chatted a bit. When they were finally going to throw me out, Laura, Oliver, and Sara came. They were meeting there to discuss their suing of Beyonce. Something about stained pants.
12/3/2008
Roamed across the United States eating apples and meeting Native Americans. Stumbled upon a huge tent city of theirs and decided to live with them. Kept getting in trouble for wandering off during tribal meetings.
11/29/2008
Put Nair all over my body at church. You're supposed to wash it off within 10 minutes, but people wouldn't leave the rooms with showers so I could get it off. When I decided to just get naked anyway, little kids would show up so I couldn't. Stormed out of church angry and burning.
11/24/2008
Got involved in a Gwar/cartoon dance class and contest. Did ok. Simone and Adam were the best.
11/17/2008
Schoen and I were CIA agents. We killed a couple guys with poison and then set about promoting the CIA brand. I decided to buy a CIA logoed jukebox rather than an arcade cabinet because the restaurant coule keep it longer by simply changing out the music. Everyone agreed it was a sound investment.
11/15/2008
Played a bunch of Mortal Kombat with some girl while waiting for real estate deals to go through.
11/6/2008
Real life versions of Jughead, Moose, and Chuck from Archie comics lived in Torrance and were friends with Danny, Bill, and Colin who had a real house that could only be accessed via rope ladder like a tree house. Archie decided to move here to join them. Veronica had a unibrow. I was pissed. She's supposed to be hot.
11/3/2008
I encountered every person I've ever met and had a long, exhausting political discussion with them about this election.
10/31/2008
Got pulled over for going 55 in a 65. Was very polite and courteous, had a good shot at talking my way out, but three lab coated AAA observers were shadowing the cop to evaluate driver performance when stopped. I received high marks, but everyone got tickets. Mine was $850.
10/29/2008
Did some design work for Mexican political campaigns. May have been working for both sides or something, pissed people off. I got shot at, but the shooter missed.
10/26/2008
Was doing some neurological research for Bret. Couldn't find my way around the lab. Bathrooms were not divided by gender, but rather "normal" and "distinct."
10/14/2008
Schoen and I were making a documentary in Italy about Richard Nixon's daring escape. We found churches full of actual artifacts and "borrowed" them so our film would be authentic. I jumped the very same bridge Nixon did on a bicycle.
9/29/2008
Chelsea and Brian took me to a parking lot where, under a locked grate, I had a little secret stash of tools, money, and items I might need. While unlocking it, a crowd of middle aged white people gathered, watching, staring. I tried to ignore them, but they started being threatening. A woman was the first to speak, attempting to intimidate me by saying the first line of the last verse of "Weird Beard" by the Mad Caddies. I immediately started singing the rest of the song with great fervor which delighted and dispersed the crowd.
9/27/2008
The federal government had set up an art approval committee. You had to show them anything you planned on displaying anywhere, even as graffiti. It was a very complicated process with very rigorous standards and dimensions.
Monday, August 24, 2009
9/8/2008
Big bed in Rome. Me, Felipe, Schoen, Lauren, and random crew members sleeping in it. Felipe's giving me things to write down, so I do so on a bed spread. Later when I can't find it, I lament writing on things that aren't paper as you never know if they're imaginary.
9/4/2008
Was at Pepperdine and running late for class. Grabbed clothes after shower and ran down with them in hand while wearing only a towel. Got to bathroom to change and a lot of girls were in there. Told them to leave, but they were there because it was the prison's visiting hours and phones were in the men's room. Decided to change in the shower, but someone was teaching a class in there. Very upsetting.
8/24/2008
Built a bunch of sets real fast for a hilarious movie. Involved shadow puppets, explosions resulting in deafness and dolphin saving, and bungee jumping.
8/6/2008
Flew a helicopter low over some small town. Then I bought up some property along the grapevine to sell spicy foods and tough guy stuff. Phil made really spicy chips.
7/27/2008
Had to rescue 7 kidnapped babies. Police were angry. Made out with some girl I met during this, took her on a weird hike.
7/9/2008
Was driving through Texas (on Route 162, apparently) when the car broke down. Had a beautiful girl in the car that I didn't know very well and was forced to make awkward small talk.
7/5/2008
Matt kept insisting I needed to buy toad food despite us having plenty of crickets. I think it was a secret code that I didn't understand.
6/29/2008
Parents' house was overrun by alligators. Had to get rid of them, was not allowed to use a gun.
6/9/2008
Real life flash programming. Helped some young, hot shot politician put keyframes all over city streets that had security actionscripts in them.
Jenna wore a blonde wig whenever she was thinking about upsetting, dramatic stuff.
5/12/2008
Some guy figured out that for whatever reason his dad couldn't join the church, some arbitrary rule. Pastor Dan was pissed and ripped a cross off the wall then started digging beneath the altar.
5/10/2008
I tried to run 51 Productions through the ordering off a kids' menu at a sushi restaurant.
4/28/2008
Went to a real fancy party. Some black guy thought I was working at it and made all kinds of requests of me (such as a home cooked meal). Then I overcharged my bank account by thousands of dollars.
4/22/2008
Prepared for a war out in a canyon. Opponents ended up being children. Weapons didn't work, war kinda fell apart. The war was between sorority girls. They treated it like a prank war but used grenades.
4/19/2008
Harrison Ford and his pastor have terrible ideas for movies. They involve weak plots while standing on a Japanese surfboard attached to a zip line.
4/11/2008
Big Pete (from Pete & Pete) was smashing into his mom's house to get his Star Wars stuff she'd taken away. We thwarted him by opening the windows. Little Pete loaded "A New Hope" into a shotgun shell?
3/21/2008
Had to take a psychiatric exam to be allowed to board a plane. Psychiatrist was Jennifer Love Hewitt. We flirted.
3/9/2008
Went on a European vacation with the Hamiltons. Erin and I both woke up having to pee in the middle of the night, decided to go to Paris for breakfast. Only got as far as Dusseldorf. We passed a market, while looking at antiques I'm mistaken for working there. I make up prices and sell the place out. Kept the money, Erin was now Corey.
2/26/2008
Donated a bunch of old clothes to Salvation Army. Everyone thought I was REALLY generous. Then I played some hockey and went to a bar.
2/21/2008
Some weird, blonde, bowl cut wearing aliens came that didn't know how to fight. I ripped up their advanced weaponry with my bare hands and had one turned into a turkey and sent to a farm.
2/11/2008
Had to build a home. Wouldn't let anyone help. Wrapped a blanket around myself and pretended to be a merman.
Some of the guys called a lady mobster and her strong arms to rough me up, you know, just for fun. Matt found out and called the cops. We all went to the police station. Tons of people, I knew them all, great party, I got a doughnut.
2/10/2008
Lauren and I were scavenging around castles for crazy magical items with really hard clues to find them. Then I got a pedicure from Xander and Blake in the middle of the street before Lauren and I had to go take final exams. I knew nothing. A hot girl was overly prepared.
2/6/2008
Schoen said: "There are 3 types of sex: regular sex, congressional sex, and presidential sex. This is congressional sex."
2/5/2008
Went with church choir to top of a building to hang out. Nice view of a really big abortion clinic. Talked politics (but never about abortion) and crawled under a not very safe looking airplane runway.
The Dream Journal
Through inspiration from Sir Ben of Foy, I started a dream journal in February of 2008. Some of the people who enjoy reading it are now far away, so I decided to start posting some of my favorites here. Enjoy.
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